Change
Tackle change by allowing yourself
to feel, reflect, evaluate, and elevate.
Berlin & Beyond
I hope that these blog entries give you a peak into my mind as I work through the challenges and realizations of studying abroad while experiencing more than I've ever imagined possible.
Change
Tackle change by allowing yourself to feel, reflect, evaluate, and elevate.
"For some reason, I hadn’t considered anxiety as a feeling attached to the most recent and one of the biggest changes in my life. Although I felt like I was supposed to be ready for it, my body was well aware of the truth. On August 26, 2018, there was an uneasiness indistinguishable from last minute packing and errands. Several repeated and dramatic exhales left my mouth and filled my day as my departure crept closer and closer. As I awaited my flight alone, my heartbeat began to speed up and this feeling demanded my undivided attention. I was sitting on the edge of my seat at the Philadelphia International Airport, about to begin my study abroad journey at NYU Berlin.
All summer I was asked with such excitement, “Are you ready for Berlin?” I always responded modestly but with uncertainty. As the first person in my family or community to do something like this, the pressure of enthusiasm was real but not my reality. I’ve tackled and overcome so much in my life that I felt I should be ready. But, it was undeniable that I was stepping into unknown territory. And upon arrival in Berlin, with extreme gratitude forever lingering over this experience, the excitement I wanted was overshadowed by the foreignness of this environment. I was honestly disappointed in myself. I didn’t hop off of the bus in front of the dorm channeling the “Mama we made it!” sentiment of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But I wanted to feel like Will Smith so bad.
​
This disappointment grew into sadness as orientation week jolted my existence. My days were planned for me. With unfamiliarity, I was restricted from moving freely around the city alone like I normally would to just process things on the regular basis. My alone time was limited. And when I finally got a moment to myself, I cried at the thought of this opportunity not being what I dreamt it'd be. I felt alone, lost, and simply afraid of what was to come in the next four months. I cried until I found enough clarity to name the root of this feeling; My independence was under attack and so was my serenity.
I never knew the two were so attached to one another until now. I never knew they meant so much to me. And don't get me wrong, independence is great, especially for establishing individuality, self love, and self care. But personally, I might have too much of it. It took everything in me to Face-Time someone in the airport to express my anxiety let alone name the feeling before that moment. My independence led me to feel like I was suffocating in the discomfort of being around people every day of orientation week. And to be honest, this independence holds me back from building or maintaining meaningful relationships. I’m often so caught up in my own world that I don’t actively seek to be a part of the worlds of others and that’s not ok.
My independence was built so fiercely for protection and survival growing up in the Olney section of Philly. But now, my needs have shifted as my surroundings have changed. I demand fulfillment and quality of life. I have to be able to speak my needs and fears and not be ashamed that I have them in the first place. I aspire to be able to open up to people more, especially because carrying everything myself isn't conducive to my growth or overall well being. I want to move from being aware that help is out there to actually feeling like it's ok to use it without being in a crisis. I want people to feel like it’s ok to check on me and not present myself as a rock that will forever be solid. A healthy balance of independence, dependence, strength and vulnerability is what I claim as I approach my 21st birthday, embracing my initiation into womanhood. And as I come to this realization in this moment, Berlin is the place where I will always remember stepping deeply into this adult chapter as the most self aware I’ve ever been in my life."
" But if you look in the mirror long enough to see yourself
If you look in the mirror long enough to free yourself
You would notice that you're alone waking up
If you look in the mirror, mirror, you'll remember yourself yourself "
Translocality
From home to travel destinations, ones context effects how they see and experience the world
"Every Wednesday from 1:30-4:15pm, I was on Museum Island for a course called “Ancient Art in Berlin.” Through standing in exhibits and analyzing art works, many concepts were brought up in this class. But one that still lingers in my mind is "translocality." We talked about artwork that is translocal, mobile objects with stories to tell that are often overlooked or hidden because of the harsh truths of their displacements. No matter where they go, their pasts come with them and their stories expand as they move from place to place. As I became more and more intrigued by this discussion, I realized that this idea of translocality extends beyond humanity’s search for understanding of artifacts that are far away from their homes. We ourselves are translocal and our stories are made through our movement and our interactions with people and places. To understand us and how we see the world is to know the depths of our stories.
Although I was abroad for four months, I felt like Philly was still with me. Everything I saw was worlds apart from what I was accustomed to and I always noticed that contrast. I was seeing everything in comparison to home. But it wasn’t just Philly. Every adversity attached to my existence met every beautiful adventure of studying abroad. As a young black woman raised by a single father in Philly and also as someone who has experienced great loss in her short 21 years, I’ve been able to attend college on scholarship, learn the intricacies of the music industry, and now travel the world. This stage of my life has been a reminder of my blessings and also an indicator of the blessings on the horizon. But from the debris that litters sidewalks to the unapproachable face I put on when I leave the house back home, I’m always reminded of the cloud of despair that hovers over the hood that often successfully penetrates the minds of people of color. And in claiming that I’m lucky enough to bypass this storm, I find myself carrying the weight of one question, “How am I this blessed?”
As I traveled Europe, I found myself in awe of the fact that I was able to occupy spaces associated with “status” despite where and what I come from. It was surreal, as if I was dreaming and not actually having dinner on the Seine river overlooking the Eiffel Tower or watching the sun rise in a villa on the Amalfi Coast of Italy. Then once I was able to get beyond the initial shock of gratefulness, I could see the variations of lifestyles for what they were. I could use them as inspiration to fuel my personal missions in life.
For example, I now have a fixation on the concept of owning multiple properties, each having an individual purpose. When I think of people who own multiple homes, I typically think of them using them for vacations. But when I visited the Max Liebermann Villa in Berlin, I realized that this was a home that was used as a vessel for painting. This house turned museum overlooking the Wannsee river was surrounded by nature and used as inspiration for art. Shelter was secondary. It seems so simple but it didn’t click that a place that looks like a home can serve as more than that even though I had witnessed several American examples of this. This villa revealed to me that as translocal beings, we also adopt the context of the places we occupy and we act according to the purposes of those places. This is a privilege bred from knowing that the basic necessities of food and shelter are covered. I wish to have and provide this for other people of color; places designated for creation and the security of home.
Between people, places, and purposes, translocality not only covers the experiences that builds a person but also the habits that person carries because of those experiences and the habits they develop depending on their location. Something as simple as the zone I usually place myself in as I walk through Philly streets is a habit I had to shake on European cobblestone. Just because I’m a young black woman from where I'm from and I’m faced with protecting myself from sketchy situations regularly, that doesn’t mean that I have to meet each place with that same attitude. In Europe, I was able to move with joy in my heart and a smile on my face despite looking over my shoulder in habit and carrying the weight of the not so flowery context of my story. I was present in my mobility, assessing my environment, and being conscious of my habits enough to move beyond them. I became aware that I can’t afford to move through college or even the world in the same way I do at home. I would be wasting my blessings and being ungrateful and that just isn’t acceptable for me."
"Gave birth to my verbal imagination, assume a virtue if you have not
Or better yet here's a verse from Hamlet
'Lord, we know who we are
Yet we know not what we may be'
So maybe I'm the one or maybe I'm crazy
I'm from Marcy houses where the boys die by the thousand
Back when Pam was on Martin yeah that's where it all started"
Advocacy
See the world for yourself. No one can tell you the details you deserve to know first hand.
"Thanks to the chaos of holiday madness, I arrived back in Philadelphia on December 23, 2018 filled with exhaustion from traveling woes. But gratefully, underneath that was an excitement to see loved ones and to share my abroad experiences with them. I was anticipating the questions but somehow “How was it?” felt just like “How are you?” This could have been the inquiry to fulfill my need to share details but I quickly learned that it was often a courtesy not a deep fascination to know everything I was willing to tell. And as the observer that I am, I’d often respond simply with “It was great!” or “It was amazing!” I didn’t want to be that annoying person bragging about how great of a time she had, so I found myself stifling my fire. And quite frankly, run-in conversations weren’t really the place to unpack my experience. As I look back on things, I can see that my journey is not something that I can share completely but I’m choosing to use it as motivation to inspire others. So I’m using my words on this platform as a precursor to a lifetime of actions that advocate for people like me to have the support and encouragement needed to fulfill their dreams.
So, I want to start with this. I’m a firm believer that creativity is a gateway to social change, especially through youth. Creativity is looking beyond what is to what could be, having vision beyond the limitations of our eyes. It is our outlet from obstacles that allow us to envision a future without them and thus creates a pathway for us to work towards greater days. Growing up in Philly, I could see beyond the debris, caution tape, drug dealing, and gunshots enough to plan for a different life. I could see myself doing what I love and getting paid for it unlike many people who feel stuck at a job in order to pay their bills and feed their families. But somehow, I never really thought about a life where the world wasn’t just something taught to me from history books but something I could see with my own eyes and experience with air that I could breathe. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to travel as a requirement of the Clive Davis Institute of Recorded Music despite not having a strong urge to do so on my own. This was the push I needed to get out of my comfort zone in order to assess my identity with clarity and to make room for change. This sort of internal evolution is what propels external influence. In order to affect anyone else's life, I have to grab hold of my own. And as I've begun this journey, this sort of accountability of self is what I want for others to find. It could be through traveling like it was for me or not but this is where I come in to advocate for it regardless.
I want to encourage everyone to fly outside of the country. Prioritize seeing the world. Learn about other ways of life. Analyze how your experiences, your context, effects how you see the world. If you have children, young siblings, or cousins, encourage them to make a list of places they want to see in person and not just in pictures on social media. Provide a safe space for brainstorming with them as they develop the ability to work through their thoughts, promoting self awareness, alert and observant behavior. My hope is that I can encourage as many people as possible to not accept things as they are but to analyze, question, and create with inspiration from all of their experiences and knowledge. This is all while I’m on this journey with you. Outside of the plethora of places I want to see in my lifetime, there are so many books for me to read, conversations for me to engage in, concepts for me to dissect and I’m excited about it. I’m always trying to figure things out, fighting the urge to be comfortable. I aim to be constantly evolving through every experience and I have no doubt that studying abroad allotted me an opportunity to do just that. And as you’ve probably watched me over the years through social media or direct interaction, I can’t wait to see the moves you all make going forward.
With that being said, if there’s any content of growth that you want to share, whether it be a topic of discussion, art, your personal work etc., I ask that you use this platform to do so. Just hit me up. I want this to be a safe space for us to build community in love, knowledge, and support. Don’t worry about length (y’all see I don’t care about “short attention spans” with these entries lol). Time is about priority and investment so those who care to engage will and that’s all that matters. I hope to hear from y’all. Let’s continue to go get it!"
"Take me there, I want to go there
Take me there. Let's go there
Take me to that great place with wonders and wishes"